[SINGING] My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be
Right back in my hometown With my new family
There's old friends and new friends And even a bear
Through good times and bad times It's true love we share
And so I found a place Where everyone will know
My happy mustache face This is The Cleveland Show
[CHUCKLES]
Good morning, family.
Good morning, baby.
- How'd you sleep? - Oh, this? I'm glad you asked.
This is my magnus opus.
- Waderman. - A comic book?
Cleveland, hush. Sit down and eat your eggs.
Shame the fool who hath time for eateth eggs of scramble...
...as our breathing hours are so few and so precious.
- What are you talking about? - Donna, all my life...
...I've deferred my dreams. - You said I was your dream.
Yeah, and I deferred you 25 years.
I'm talking about my other dream...
...to write, color and staple my own comic book...
...and last night I finished it.
It's called Waderman.
What's a wader?
What's a wader? Go fly-fishing much?
They're thigh-high rubber boots that keep your pants dry in shallow water.
I first had the idea one fateful day back in high school.
Oh, I wish I had the perfect opportunity...
...to show Donna Tubbs I'm the one for her.
Hey, Cleveland. Aah!
My wish came true!
But I just bought these shoes.
I know, I'll take them off and then go in. Okay.
[GRUNTS]
DONNA: Help! Help! Someone help me!
- But my socks. I'll remove those as well. DONNA: Aah! Help! Aah, aah, aah!
Anyone! I'll marry anyone who helps me.
Hm. No towel. Guess I'll just wait for my feet to dry when I get out.
- Watch my red Keds? - No. Not my problem.
[DONNA SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
DONNA: Help! Oh!
You weigh more than I thought you would.
My hero.
Hey. Your Keds are in the fountain.
My red Keds!
That night I swore that I would never again let shallow water...
...stand in the way of what ought to be.
And so Waderman was born.
Which is why for our summer vacation...
...we're going to debut Waderman...
...at this year's Comic-Con in San Diego.
No way.
Cleveland, I don't think that sounds like much of a vacation.
That's because you don't know what Comic-Con is.
Imagine a hundred thousand unwashed comic book fans in costume...
...shoehorned into a musky convention center...
...that smells like ass and corn chips...
...all waiting in line to see three minutes of something...
...the rest of the world will have to wait two weeks to see.
Now, don't you feel silly?
We're not going to Comic-Con.
Donna, let me talk to you for a second.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[ARGUING INDISTINCTLY]
[SOBBING]
Looks like we're going to San Diego.
JUNIOR: I'm ready.
Yeah, this all seems very necessary.
Aren't there two wars going on right now?
Come on, Rallo, this is what they're fighting for.
Well, now I'm not sure who I want to win.
Ha, ha. This Cleveland Show not too bad.
Move over, King of Hill.
What's going on here?
Kevin Smith and Harry Knowles are fighting over a corndog.
[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Join us, Zach Galifianakis...
...and together we can rule the galaxy.
[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]
- Mm. - Aah!
Oh, Donna, once these mouth breathers see Waderman...
...my life is gonna change forever.
I'm gonna go set up my booth.
And I'm gonna go stand in line for an autograph from...
[IN DRACULA ACCENT] ...Scott Bakula. A-ha-ha-ha!
[GASPS]
Oh, God, no!
- Mom, that's you! - Damn!
Damn.
Sure, but I get grounded...
...when I take my school photo in a mink coat and underwear.
Rallo, I did that a long time ago and it was a mistake.
Things you do on camera can come back to haunt you.
I gotta call Federline.
Listen to me, Rallo.
No one can know about that screening.
Especially Cleveland.
Mm-hm.
And that's where it gets tricky for you.
I'll keep my mouth shut, but it ain't gonna be cheap.
- Four dollars. - Fine.
Now, go find Cleveland.
I'm going to get that screening cancelled.
So apparently, she's not worried about her 5-year-old boy...
...alone in a convention center full of grown men in costumes.
All right, then.
Weirdo. Hey, Rallo, I need an attention getter...
...and since I can't afford a hot Asian girl to dress up like a cat...
...and stand in front of my booth, why don't you help me out and be my Squirt?
- Squirt is Waderman's sidekick. - All right.
- But it's gonna cost you. - How much?
What's the number after four?
- Five. - Five dollars.
I got 45 dollars.
Hey! Harry Pockmarks, you look like you could use a hero.
How about you, fat Spider-Woman?
[BOMBASTIC THEME PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Hello, Comic-Con. I am Katee Sackhoff.
Or am I Eliza Dushku?
Nope. I'm Emily Deschanel from Bones.
[ALL CHEERING]
I just think Firefly was totally overrated.
[GASP]
I kind of agree.
I mean, you can't have a whole ship of Han Solos.
If everyone is Han Solo, then no one is Han Solo.
- Oh, yeah. That's true. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is this?
ANNOUNCER: This fall on NBC...
... we're forcing David Schwimmer to return to network TV in a new hit comedy.
Yay!
See what happens when one of America's favorite Friends...
... becomes Kalamazoo's least favorite swimming coach.
I'm here against my will.
[PEOPLE LAUGH]
ANNOUNCER: Schwim Team.
Coming this fall to NBC.
Don't worry, we're almost done.
That doesn't have anything to do with Comic-Con.
Why is it even here?
You guys talking about Schwim? Gonna get some Schwim this fall?
Schwim? Ha! Here, have a T-shirt.
[CLICKS THEN LAUGHS]
The Doctor Horrible Sing-a-long is now full.
No one else will be allowed inside.
What? But we've been waiting all morning.
Sorry. They're from Hollywood, so they're more important than you.
Well, I guess I could wait in line to boo M. Night Shyamalan.
Frak this!
Comic-Con belongs to us.
It's bad enough those Twilight fruit blades think they belong here...
...but that other Hollywood crap is inexcusable.
You're right. We have to fight back.
By posting sarcastic barbs on message boards.
No. I mean, really fight back.
This is our house...
...and it's time we take back Comic-Con.
[ALL CHEER]
We have room for one more.
Screw you guys.
An aquatic superhero who lacks the ability to swim.
Apparently, he also has a superhuman tolerance for irony...
...which, unfortunately, I do not.
Worst. Cameo. Ever.
[PLAYING]
Are you Robert Rodriguez?
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
You're Cocoa Bang Bang.
I've been in love with you since I first saw your movie.
- Nice rack. - Don't try and sweet-talk me.
Look, I am here this weekend to support my husband's comic book...
... Waffleman or something...
...not to be embarrassed by some stupid movie I should never have made.
Stupid movie? Hot Cocoa Bang Bang inspired me to make El Mariachi.
And for a whole year I greeted my friends with, "You going back in the trunk, bitch."
Come to the screening.
If you want you can even wear your original costume.
I occasionally make my girlfriend sleep in it.
Listen to me.
That screening is not going to happen.
Look, I don't want you to be upset, so if that's how you feel, fine.
No screening. It was an honor to meet you.
Thank you. It was nice meeting you too.
Your skin is even moister than Antonio Banderas'.
Speak English.
JUNIOR: Nerds, hear me!
Comic-Con is not a place for David Schwimmer...
...and his bad-even-for-NBC sitcom.
It's a place where people like us can be ourselves...
...and not worry about getting pushed around by bullies, or talking to girls.
I'm a girl. My name's Rebecca.
You are now my girlfriend.
No butt stuff.
We have many different beliefs, but today we must put them aside and unite.
Gryffindor and Slytherin.
Jedi and Sith.
Jack Nicholson Joker and Heath Ledger Joker.
This is our time to take what's ours...
...for tonight we dine in hell!
[ALL CHEERING]
Donna, you'll never guess what happened.
Someone bought Waderman and wants to make it into a movie.
That seems unlikely.
- Who bought it? - I did.
Mm.
Donna, I'd like you to meet Robert Rodriguez...
...America's greatest Mexican film director.
Actually, I was born in Texas.
Oh.
He's one of America's top 75 film directors.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.
I was telling Cleveland I think Walrusman could be a huge movie.
Did you hear that, Donna? Huge.
- It's Waderman, by the way. - Of course.
But if this movie is going to be accurate, I need to know Waderman's limits.
Why don't you go to the ocean...
...and see how long you can stand in shallow water before you cramp up.
You got it.
Rallo, pack it up, we're going to the beach.
This town has a beach?
Then why is everyone in here so pale?
What the hell do you think you're doing?
Donna, Hot Cocoa Bang Bang is important to me.
I own the only remaining copy, and after tonight...
...I promise I'll never show it to another living person.
- Just come to the screening. - And what if I say no?
Look how happy he is.
[CLEVELAND HUMMING]
It'd be a shame if I had to take that away from him.
You think by making my husband's dream come true, I'll do what you want?
You're not the only person here who would buy Cleveland's comic.
Have you read it? Ahem.
"And Waderman was all, 'Boom, boom.'
And the bad guys were all, 'Vroom, vroom,' in their cars."
- All right, I'll be there. - Super.
[PLAYING GUITAR]
I should not be turned on right now.
- Oop. There's a cramp. - Four hours and 47 minutes.
That's good. Or bad.
I don't know what the average is.
I don't know what we're doing out here.
We must tell Robert Rodriguez. Come, Squirt.
You go on ahead. I'm thinking about giving my sand castle a guest house.
Maybe a little fold-out bed.
Mother-in-law comes to visit, no problem.
Maybe a bay window.
Sit up there, read a book. Yeah.
I would kill for a beer right now.
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
[GUN COCKS]
Bang, bang, honkeys!
Uh... Unh!
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
You're a star, Donna.
They love you.
[GASPS]
AUDIENCE: Whoo!
Donna?
Cleveland!
- What the hell's going on here? - Shh! If you have a question...
...you can stand in line and wait for the Q & A like everyone else.
Unh, fine.
Hi, Robert.
I'm also a filmmaker and writer/producer, and sometimes actor.
I also have a band.
[GRUNTS]
Um, two years ago I sent you a script. It was called Mexicannibals.
RODRIGUEZ: Never read it. - Thank you.
- Yes? - First of all, big fan.
I've got a comment and a question.
The comment: Donna!
Now my question: Why?
Cleveland, I am so sorry.
And I'd be so embarrassed if anyone back home found out about this.
Oh, please, Donna, you were arrested at the dog track four days ago.
She hit me first, Cleveland.
[SIGHS]
Robert Rodriguez promised that if I came to the screening...
...he'd never show that movie to another living person.
Are you kidding? You heard that crowd.
Hot Cocoa Bang Bang is a hit.
I just made a deal with Warner Bros. to convert it to 3D and release it wide.
- Three-double-D. Get it? - Ha-ha-ha.
How dare you, Seņor Rodriguez?
Robert, as partial owner of my wife's breasts...
...I'm gonna have to insist that you not show them to people.
Something like that could make it awkward for us...
...to work together on Waderman.
[CHUCKLES]
Cleveland, I only used your stupid comic book...
...so Donna would come to the screening.
I mean, what kind of superhero is afraid of water?
He's not afraid of it. He respects it.
Whatever. Now if you'll excuse me...
...I have to go introduce a whole new generation to Hot Cocoa Bang Bang.
Over my dead body.
Trejo! Cheech!
Cheech Marin, your marijuana humor is so humorous.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] It's a character I play.
And Danny Trejo, I loved it when you raped that guy in American Me.
That was Edward James Olmos.
You raped Edward James Olmos? Shame on you!
He taught those kids math!
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
[CHATTERING]
MAN: What the hell?
We are. We're the hell.
[YELLS] [FANS CHEERING]
[GRUNTING]
[FANS YELL]
You suck.
[GROANS]
Oh, my God. He's not even, like, a real vampire or anything.
[YELLING THEN GRUNTS]
[GNAWING] [BOY GROANS]
[GRUNTING]
[JUNIOR YELLS]
[MAN GROANS] [WHIMPERS]
[JUNIOR YELLS]
Baby, I'm sorry. I thought I was helping you...
...but it turns out I was just humiliated in front of a thousand nerds for nothing.
Humiliated? What are you talking about?
You looked great up there. All toned. Young.
Smooth. Eczema-free.
Really? I guess I was pretty badass up there.
And you still are.
You know what? We're getting that film back.
But there are guards at every door. There's no way we can get in.
Maybe we can't.
But Waderman and Cocoa Bang Bang can.
Hm. Mm, mm.
- Don't worry, they're not going anywhere. - Mm.
Hey, sugar, you thirsty?
- Sure, what'd you have in mind? - How about some Hot Cocoa?
[GRUNTS]
There he is!
Come back here, you film school-hating son of a bitch.
[GASPS]
To the Amtrak station!
Follow that bike thing with the guy in the back.
[WOMAN SHRIEKS]
[YELLS]
No. No. Look out!
Oh, no!
Oh, look out! Oh, no!
I know he ain't trying to mess up my 'fro!
That's from the movie.
[TRAIN HORN BLARING]
All aboard!
Train to Hollywood, California!
Cleveland, we can catch him if we run through the fountain.
Come on!
[SHRIEKS]
[GIORDANO'S "LA MAMMA MORTA" PLAYING]
You're my hero.
Hey. Your Keds are in the fountain.
My red Keds!
[LAUGHS]
[YELLS THEN GRUNTS]
Somebody wading for a hero?
[GRUNTING]
- He's getting away! - Not today he's not. Unh!
[BOTH GRUNT]
You going back in the trunk, bitch!
See you wader, Wobert Wodwiguez.
[GUNS COCK] [SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Press one for English.
CLEVELAND: You're keeping the costume.
[CLEVELAND SNIFFS]
Smells like butt hair.
[English - US - SDH]